f2ef7f592db04a3b8bce775e65bc9c98

Fall 2021

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 21:31:32 GMT

Take Care of Yourself

Are you taking care of yourself?

In my life coaching sessions, I'm seeing more evidence of the stress that we are all enduring. Global turmoil feels heavy, as does the discord right here in our own backyards. There are many opinions of what is right and wrong. It can feel like conflict meets us everywhere we turn. And some of these opinions are being used to drive wedges between loved ones, between friends and families, between professional colleagues, between community members, and even between strangers.

We're seeing it everywhere. On TV. On the internet and social media. At our dinner tables. At our family reunions. At our jobs.

It's a lot to process and the wild resulting emotions can be challenging to manage. So take care of yourself.

Yes, take care of yourself in all of the obvious ways.

Eat well.

Sleep.

Exercise.

Relax.

Play.

Connect.

All of those things.

But there's more. The next time you plug yourself into the chaos, the next time you plug yourself into your opinions, or into fear, the next time you plug yourself into judging others-

Stop. What does your body feel like in that moment?

What do you need to do right then to take care of yourself?

Breathe.

Choose compassion.

See the good in others. See the good in our world.

Take some space.

Be curious.

Open your mind to other perspectives.

Choose gratitude.

Breathe.

Choose what strengthens you. Know what weakens you.

If more of us focused on choosing what strengthens us, we all get stronger.

The more we allow space for division, anger, judgment and a refusal to understand and listen to one another, we all get weaker.

When we take better care of ourselves,

space grows to take care of one another. To take care of our world.

It's time.

January 2021

Tue, 05 Jan 2021 23:56:23 GMT

We've all heard it over and over again these past few weeks. Maybe you've even said it yourself.

"Good riddance to 2020! Don't let the door hit you on the way out! Bring on 2021!"

I get it. It was a year that brought on many challenges.

Fear. Isolation. Illness. Discord. Unprecedented uncertainty.

Here's the interesting thing though. When I challenge this "Good Riddance" mantra, every single person is able to list so many beautiful moments from the last 12 months.

I would guess that's true for you, too.

So take a moment to breathe. Deeply. Right now.

What will you take with you from 2020?

What gifts? What insights? What habits? What non-negotiables? What unexpected treasures?

What changes do you want to keep?

Instead of rushing to slam the door on this past year, decide instead to gently close it with gratitude and positive anticipation of what's to come.

It has been a year that has created openings for entire paradigm shifts within each and every one of us.

And within our world.

Some of those shifts in 2021 will be amazing. Some may continue to feel like obstacles for awhile.

But we're all on this crazy ride doing the best we can with what we've got in this moment.

Let us continue to develop our own unique personal tool belts so that when life acts all "2020" on us, we've got the reserves to be able to hold our mental health strong while still seeing the multitude of blessings everywhere.

Let us seek to better honor our own humanity and the humanity in others by letting go of the self-defeating, stress-inducing burden of judgment. And at the same time, let us hold ourselves accountable for rising up to higher ground.

Because 2020 has strengthened us and we really are that powerful.

December 2020

Tue, 22 Dec 2020 04:25:06 GMT

My husband, Todd and I recently spent a week in the Berkshires of Western Massachusetts. We make it a priority to spend time there at least a few times a year. It's a quiet, peaceful part of the world filled with mountains and snow-capped beauty.

We fill our days with simplicity. Long, scenic drives through the peaks and valleys, and hikes that lead us to places we’ll never forget.

The hikes are always an adventure. There’s just something about being alone in the woods, miles from civilization, without cell service.

As we navigate unfamiliar trails, the ground beneath our feet is sometimes wet and slippery. It takes all of our concentration and agility to safely stay the course (okay, just me- my husband is annoyingly fearless and freakishly agile). Occasionally, I can forget to stop, look up, and absorb the magnificent landscape.

Deep in the woods, the world becomes so still that every noise seems to intensify. The sounds of the scurrying wild, the forceful winter breezes that push the trees to their limits. The wind causes the bare birch trunks to creak, making haunting sounds that keep us on high alert. The sounds so intense at times, you wonder when a tree might fall, and where. But we brave the path ahead, not knowing exactly what the final destination will look like and what obstacles lie ahead. We just keep going.

To be in the middle of the cold, barren, breathless beauty completely disconnected to civilization, makes these excursions feel both risky and sacred at the same time. For this naturally cautious girl (did I mention my fear of wild animals?), these isolated walks in the wild bring on a mix of conflicting feelings and emotions:

Gratitude, concern, reverence, worry, wonder, apprehension, appreciation, uncertainty, and faith.

And when we finally arrive at an enchanting waterfall, I know it was worth the effort it took to get there.

Reminds me of 2020. So much to have felt anxious about. So much to appreciate. So much isolation. Yet so many reasons to trust that good is around the corner.

So we just keep going. We brave the unknown. No matter how slippery, and treacherous the journey has been, if we remember to pause and look around, we’ll find much beauty and opportunity to embrace.

Wishing you the sacredness of simplicity this holiday season and a 2021 filled with love, connection and exciting new adventures.

In a Quiet Holiday

Wed, 25 Nov 2020 08:00:14 GMT

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Over 20 years ago, I started hosting dinner for a small group of my immediate family. I loved finding new recipes and creating festive decorations. Each year, the number of people at the table grew, sometimes by entire families.

In those early years, I thought things like matching table cloths, fine china and pretty centerpieces were important. I spent hours ironing linens, thinking of special place cards and decorating the perfect table. When night came, I would make sure that every last dish was washed and put away, the floor vacuumed, erasing all evidence that a celebration had been had.

But the bigger the group got, the harder it was to make everything match just so and to make every last dish from scratch. I was dropping those Martha Stewart balls all over the place.

And right around the year when I had no choice but to start bringing out the ugly folding chairs and mixing in the plain old, white, every-day dishes with the once a year, (not exactly) fine china, I had this out of body experience.

Dinner had been eaten and all were digging into the many desserts. The crowd was loud and boisterous, but it was like I had been given a gift of quiet perspective. As I sat smack in the middle of over 35 people squished into a small space, I felt momentarily removed from it all. What washed over me is what I can only describe as a state of Grace.

I could hear every laugh in the house as if someone had turned up the dial to the sound that joy makes. All at once, I could see every happy expression of those I've spent much of my life beside. I could distinctly feel the warmth between family and the love in every corner. I was witnessing this ordinary moment that took my breath away. After saying goodbye to the last of the guests, I turned to see the mess that was my home. The sink had a pyramid of dirty dishes and the floor had mounds of crumbs in every room. Instead of doing what I'd always done and start the monumental task of putting it all back together, I didn't touch one single thing. I went to bed in peace and immense gratitude.

The next morning when I woke up to that beautiful disaster, it was my evidence that love had blessed us for another year.

There are these brief moments in life that we're tapped on the shoulder and shown what is most important. Among the chaos and noise, there can be quiet, too. If we're willing to pause and look, we can see the evidence of Grace sitting right there in front of us.

Let this be one of those moments.

We are near to the close of a tumultuous and noisy year. But on this uniquely quiet holiday, let all that we're nostalgic for, all that we might be missing, all that we wish to experience, guide us to remember what makes our lives worth living-- each other.

Tomorrow, let there be space at your table to celebrate your courage, your endurance, your wonder, and your optimism.

Let us be grateful for our people, for the power of choice, sacred connections and for the love we're each capable of holding in our hearts.

We Can Do This

Fri, 16 Oct 2020 14:43:06 GMT

Over the last several months, I've been taking a break from all the noise. I'm logged out of social media on most days, sometimes for weeks at a time. I've shut the TV. I've turned off the podcasts. I've set aside the blog. I've even put down my beloved books.

Of course I stay aware of pertinent current events and necessary facts as a responsible citizen. But only the facts (I know, I know- they are hard for me to find, too). I'm seeking common sense over wild opinions. And I'm seeking dialogs of strength with those who value compassion and humility. People who may even disagree with my own views but yet we still welcome an honest conversation where nobody actually has to walk away right. Yes, those people are actually out there. God, I love those people.

The break from the noise has allowed my focus to be limited to precious time with family and friends, and being present with my clients. Another major reason for shutting it all off though is so I can focus on the heavy lifting of the final round of edits to my first book (which for this girl, is one sloooow process!). Too many voices in my head and it's just too distracting.

The book is a mix of stories and coaching challenges. It's an invitation to reflect on what a life well lived looks like for each of us. Last week, I was working on a section that talks about how we want to show up in the world. It got me thinking about the current state of the world right now. There's no magic bullet for fixing the woes of our current society.

But we can do something.

As individuals, we can pay attention to how we are showing up- on social media, in our relationships, in our communities. We can ask ourselves important questions. We can stop expecting one side or group to save us and we can each save ourselves.

We can open our minds beyond what we're being fed by the various bombarding and opinionated sources of all kinds. And we can take ownership of the messaging each of us is contributing to humanity. Is it hateful? Is it thoughtful? Is it poisonous? Is it open-minded?

Are we listening or are we just talking? Are we only focusing on the bad or are we seeking out the good? Yes, even the good in those we disagree with. It's there. Keep looking.

This is the work for every single one of us.

Here are a few powerful questions that can shift you into choosing more peace and less chaos, and therefore contributing to a society that we all are capable of creating. It's coming. There's plenty of positive coming from both parties if you're willing to see it and there's plenty of negativity coming from both sides as well. So it won't be dependent on who gets into office. It will be dependent on the individual choices and perspectives we allow to lead us as individuals. This is something each of us can actually control.

Are my choices, words, actions and reactions contributing towards more drama and chaos or less? More noise? Positivity or negativity?
During this election year, how am I showing up? If I do a 30,000 foot view and watch my typical conversations, what might I see?
Am I offering anything valuable or am I simply complaining?
What are the perspectives that I'm choosing to lead me? Have I considered other perspectives?
How am I sharing my perspectives? Are my thoughts and perspectives increasing or decreasing stress?
How much time am I plugging into public opinion? What is the impact on my energy, stress levels and physical wellness? How are my choices impacting others?

Try stepping back and detaching from the noise and see what you notice. In that pause, we can better understand when we may be matching what we see as darkness with even more darkness. Imagine the impact if each of us committed to bringing just a little more light. Now that is something to stand up and vote for.

We can do this.

____________________________________________________________

Love Will Always Be Part of the Answer

Fri, 05 Jun 2020 00:43:05 GMT

June 2020

It was the morning after the grand jury decided to not charge Darren Wilson for the murder of Michael Brown.

That day, I was teaching a weekly two hour Powerful Women class at a local shelter for those who had experienced domestic violence. I was also working with each of the women individually during 45 min life coaching sessions each week. The group spanned different races and ethnicities but all were suffering from poverty and abuse.

We had gotten to know each other. We had earned one another's trust. We had had some meaningful and life changing conversations in that room. They knew I deeply cared about each of them.

Typically, the group would filter in and we would all chat casually as we waited for everyone to join. This particular morning, there was no casual conversation among the women. There was only anger. Vengeful, hate-filled anger. The emotions were raw and real. As they vented their fury, comments quickly turned from justice, to their wish that "all police officers be shot." They continued to discuss law enforcement and the system of racism, lumping all white men in uniform into one large vat of evil.

I sat quietly and just listened. Until finally someone realized I hadn't started class. And she asked me why.

Without any defensiveness, anger or judgment, I shared that my husband was a law enforcement officer- both corrections and police.

What happened next was a beautiful combination of honoring, learning, sharing, listening, and empathizing. We heard each other. We talked about what it means for all of us to choose to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. And how love will always lead us further than hate.

We talked about how anger was ok. And how sometimes it can motivate us towards change- but if we allow it to be the only emotion that leads, what will become of us? Opening up our perspectives towards hope and optimism allows us to see the good in each other.

We also talked about the dangers of calling a full bushel spoiled because of a few bad apples. If we want to reap from the glorious harvest of humanity, we all can commit to growth here.

Because matching darkness with darkness will always yield only one unfortunate choice. More darkness. If we want permanent and lasting change, it's the responsibility of every single one of us- regardless of race, ethnicity or gender- to be the light forward.

After all, it only takes one beautiful person with a dream to impact us all.

Keeping the Faith

Wed, 29 Apr 2020 17:05:49 GMT

May 2020

We’re spiritual beings having a human experience.

This is a phrase that has fascinated me for over two decades. It guides me daily in many ways and has led me through some of my life’s and our world’s darkest days.

Like right now.

It reminds me that there’s so much information I’m not privy to. Sacred information. The kind of information that gives meaning somehow to the hardest of human experiences. Like tragedy. And death. Pain and suffering.

There must be Divine perfection here. I know this to be true. I don’t know how I know. I just know. Call it blind trust.

I call it faith.

And yet we are living this human experience, too. Isn’t that the point of being alive?

To be in it and also above it at the exact same time.

To bear witness and to be present to suffering. Both our own and other’s. To intimately know the darkness. And to sit beside those in our most important relationships when anguish arrives.

And in that very same space, to know infinite light. To know Grace. To understand there are higher truths- even though we can’t possibly know them all within the confines of a limited human brain. And to trust anyway.

At this most unprecedented time in the history of humanity, let us be both. We can become deeply present to our own and each other’s fear and pain. We can validate the discomfort of our current reality. We can process the profound individual and collective grief in solitude and in solidarity.

Together, we grieve the souls that have left their unforgettable mark on the world. We feel the despair of those left behind and for what is yet to come.

And as we embrace our humanity, let us also know faith. For what if these souls that have left us have bigger work to do? Could they have been tasked with the ushering in of a positive shift we have yet to witness or understand?

How might these hardships show us a better way forward? How has this sacred pause encouraged us to see ourselves more clearly? How might these hardships show us our own power to solve our most pressing global, community and family challenges, and show us our resilience, our strength and our compassion for one another?

Let us trust with hope and optimism that when this monumental moment passes, whenever that may be, there will be beauty and opportunity on the other side. There will be a rebuilding of sorts. We’ll still be human. Still imperfect. Still opinionated and sometimes in contrast to one another.

But our human race will have the luminous wisdom of a collective experience.

We have been brought to our knees.

And when we inevitably rise up, we can know a love and gratitude at a depth we have not known, that we could not have ever known before.

We really are that powerful.

What is This Pandemic Here to Teach Us?

Mon, 13 Apr 2020 18:01:11 GMT

Part of my work as a life coach is to help people turn negatives into positives. What happens though when the world is in crisis? How do we turn the likes of vast and profound human suffering into a positive?

Well, we don't. Certainly not at first. Setting the expectation to stay positive and think positively in the midst of widespread anguish, isolation, pain and uncertainty, is missing the point. The emotional highs and lows are normal and expected and necessary. For how do we appreciate the views from high up if we don't allow ourselves space to accept and be present in the lows? It's all part of this stunning humanity package.

As I process the current situation, with anxiety and grief for our first-responders, our communities, our country and our global neighbors, I am also in full trust that there is more to this story unfolding before us. I am compelled to ask myself many times a day, "What is this pandemic here to teach me as an individual? And what is it here to teach us as a collective?"

It is times such as these that show us both our strengths and our weaknesses- if we're paying attention. This pandemic has shown me the darkness of my own self-righteousness and judgment and how quickly I use my wild imagination to my own detriment. It has also shown me my fierce compassion. It has shown me how important it is to create space for people to feel and explore the gravity of their fear with someone beside them.

And it has taught me prioritization at the most sacred level.

What matters most is us.

Connection. Relationships. Presence with our people.

Never before have we been so brilliantly shown the simplicity of this truth.

We've been shown how little we really do need while also being shown how much we really do need each other.

What I believe this pandemic is here to teach humanity is to STOP. To listen. To take better care of our earth. To take better care of each other. To love bigger. To focus more on being than doing. To pause. To sit still for awhile.

It's here to show us the value that can be gained while seeped in discomfort- a space that provides a unique clarity that only darkness can provide.

The power of the human spirit is being boldly and remarkably displayed by countless people across our country and globe each day. In honor of all of them, let us each ask ourselves, "What is this pandemic here to teach me?"

We really are that powerful.

Hang In There

Wed, 01 Apr 2020 02:58:33 GMT

April 2020

There's a lot of noise these days. There seems to be no shortage of experts telling us how we should best navigate this pandemic, both physically and mentally. This is new territory for a human race wired to connect. How are we supposed to feel and how should we spend our days while staying inside our homes? Does anyone really have the answers?

Yes. You do.

Whatever you're feeling is right. Some are experiencing grief and loss. Some discomfort, overwhelm and even pain. Most feel fear and uncertainty in some form or another. And yet others are content. Or inspired to create. Or binge watching Netflix in their pajamas. Some are finally tackling that pile of books that have been waiting to be read. Some are soaking in the family time or quiet alone time. There are those sticking to a routine and others finding peace in the complete lack of structure.

If you're anything like me, you're visiting all of the above depending on the day. Depending on the moment.

No need to compare yourself to others . This window of time in history only has one very important rule. That we each do our very crucial part to serve the greater good.

So whatever you're feeling, it's OK. However you're navigating this, breathe in acceptance. You’re human. Feel the fear. No need to fight it. Let it wash over you like the wave it is. Crashing through your sense of safety and temporarily shattering your resolve. Feel your balance waiver and your vision blur. And at the very same time, listen. Open. Grace is there. That still small voice. Invite it into your heart. Because regardless of how it looks in this moment, this too shall pass.

There may be much to fear in the days ahead but there's also much to be grateful for.

Who could have ever predicted such a global pause? An entire world takes a collective break and the lungs of our earth take a giant breath of cleaner air.

Check in on your people. Check in on yourself. Staying home is how we take care of the amazing heroes ready and willing to take care of us.

We really will get through this together.

And we will get through this.

Hang in there.

You really are that powerful.

Are You A Different Person At Work Than You Are At Home?

Tue, 03 Mar 2020 02:48:32 GMT

During the first week of each of the Powerful Men or Powerful Women 6 Week Coaching Series that I teach throughout the year, we do what's called a "Power Assessment." I sometimes also do this with large groups when I've been asked to speak within companies or for school staff members. Basically, we go through a checklist that asks us to reflect on our self-awareness, self-care and emotional and thought management skills. It's a pretty comprehensive list of bullet points that encourages us to do a serious and brutally honest 30,000 foot evaluation of who we are choosing to be most days. Not to add to the self-judgment of course, but instead we use the assessment as a resource to build our internal tool box. After all, we don't change what we don't choose to see. But regardless of the group or gender, I hear some version of the same interesting comment over and over again.

"I am a different person at work than I am at home." Like a chameleon that changes its colors depending on its environment. People are often surprised by this revelation. It's an uncomfortable "ah-ha" moment.

And once you see it, you can't un-see it.

But it makes sense. We feel we have to be on our best behavior at work. If we let our "true" self out, if we say how we "really" feel, we might risk our job. It's dangerous to not manage our emotions around our bosses, customers and colleagues. At home, we can let loose. This is where we can release the pent up stress of the day. We're not so worried about the consequences.

But that doesn't mean there aren't any.

What might happen if we strived to be the same person no matter where we go? Or who we're with? What would that take?

Gary Zukav in his book, The Seat of the Soul talks about authentic power as "the alignment of the personality with the soul." I've always loved that definition. He writes specifically, "When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic power." To me, that means being intentional about pausing, listening to that still, small voice within and allowing the core of who you are lead you around versus knee-jerk, or stressed out reactions caused by overwhelm and fear. Living each day with depth versus on the surface.

That should be easy, right?

If only it was. Except it kind of is. Yet it's really not. But is it?

Yes and no. Power will always be found in the simple. We make things far more complicated than they need to be and we often create problems where problems need not exist. If you're paying attention, you'll see yourself doing this at some point during your week. So the more we scale back to the simplest of truths- like compassion, gratitude and love- the easier it is for us to remain in alignment with who we really are.

Yet we're also human. We're constantly surrounded by people and situations that challenge us. We are imperfect at our core.

So how can we be the same person at work and at home just a little bit more? Be curious and fascinated with yourself. And by human behavior in general. Evaluate how much energy you put into judgement of yourself and others, creating additional and unnecessary stress. Spend more energy focused on your own personal choices in thought, perspectives, actions and reactions and less time wishing others were different. Focus more on your reception of other people's behaviors versus how those behaviors are being delivered. Focus on what you can control.

Because a peaceful self really does begin and end with you. And a peaceful you will always be more authentic no matter where you are, what you're doing or who you're with.

You really are that powerful....

Crisis and Trust

Tue, 04 Feb 2020 04:24:01 GMT

February 2020

Recently, a colleague reached out to our network of coaches. She was seeking thoughts from those who have worked with people in crisis. It got me thinking.

At some point or another, we humans all face crisis.

Personally, when working with clients who are met with tragedy- someone with a child facing addiction, a young mother with a terminal diagnosis, a dying child, the loss of a loved one or a profound betrayal- those clients where a coaching conversation with your typical action steps just doesn’t make sense in the moment and those clients who have stories that bring you to your knees- I ask them to explore their highest belief systems.

Because at times like these, there are no answers on the surface.

What are we doing here on this planet? Why do we exist? What does it all mean? What else is there? We explore the blessings and the costs of their belief systems in relation to their situation. We try on other perspective possibilities and we research books that might expand their current level of thinking and give meaning to their life’s journey at that moment. I ask them to stretch, get out of their heads and their pain for an hour, and seek out what their deepest wisdom might be saying. Right then. In that moment.

We explore the spiritual beliefs and any religious beliefs they currently hold. We discuss and explore the concept of trusting life and what that might mean to them and their purpose in the world. We share stories either from those we've read or of those we know that illustrate this level of expanded thinking and ask them how they view that story in their own minds—and how they might use the wisdom of such a story to help them cope with what they may be facing themselves.

Some books we’ve explored (depending on what a client may be facing) have been Conversations with God (Neale Donald Walsh), Many Lives, Many Masters (Dr. Brian Weiss), Proof of Heaven (Eban Alexander), Dying to be Me (Anita Moorjani), Man’s Search for Meaning (Victor Frankl), The Choice (Edith Eva Eger), Sparkle on the Water (Suzan Woods), Sacred Contracts (Caroline Myss), The Power of Now & A New Earth (Eckhart Tolle) and so so many others. Often, these books are not indicative of a client's exact situation but at the same time, story gives us new perspective on the deepest truths of life itself. As we expand our own thinking, through such an opening we are able to consider the highest levels of perspective for our own lives, too.

How might we honor our humanity? How can we be “in it”- the horror, the pain, the suffering, the fear, the angst, the utter despair- all that we're here on this planet to experience- and yet be “above it” at the same time? What do we need to arrive just a little bit closer to acceptance of what is in any given moment, and to a knowing that there is still grace right here, right now?

To honor and allow all the feelings that come along with being human while trusting there’s more to the story that the limits of the human brain just isn’t capable of understanding. To find solace and peace in the not knowing all the answers.

At the profoundest depths of life, when there is seemingly no hope, how do we saturate ourselves with grace? Surrounding ourselves with the highest resources to just randomly open to a page of needed wisdom or have running on audio in the car, and at bedtime. Limiting the news and politics and that which we have no control (at least until we’ve reached higher ground). Making strong decisions as to what and who we are plugging our energy into. Because when you’re in despair yourself or doing massively critical work in the world with other souls in despair, there’s only so much one human can hold. It’s OK to let a lot go.

Trust begs us to ask, what is that tiniest filament of peace that goes whizzing by our awareness, just barely audible, that says “somehow, even this is OK”? How can we grab onto that and even expand it, letting it hold us in the darkness?

As my mom was actively dying and on hospice (far younger than we would have chosen), in accessing this level of thinking, there was a little room for acceptance of what was, and even excitement for her for what was to come. The perspective that perhaps death is not just “bad” after all was talked about and embraced. And yes, all the human grief, the pain and despair of loss, too- lots and lots and lots of that- yet peace and dare I say, even beauty, at the very same time.

I honestly think this is what we’re all longing for. To experience all that it means to be human while remembering there’s much we’re not privy to in this limited awareness and sinking into the sacredness of what we can gain from engaging the idea of being just a little more comfortable in the waves of the unknown.

Trusting life. Trusting what's beyond life. Trusting in something much larger than ourselves. Trusting our own inner knowing. Trusting that each life has purpose, regardless of it's length.

Trusting yourself. Trust.

Not easy for any human, most especially in the midst of crisis, but what else do we truly have but that?

How might you apply the concept of trust in your own life?

You really are that powerful.

Transformation

Tue, 31 Dec 2019 06:19:49 GMT

Entering into 2020, January is a month where we often feel pulled towards some sort of change. Usually those changes are at the surface level of our lives. Lose weight. Get healthier. Make more money.

And our quest doesn't typically last very long because we tend not to effectively consider the obstacles that lie beneath the surface.

Here's the truth.

Your life is based on the stories you allow to guide you.

Not only the stories you believe about yourself but the stories you've created about those in your presence in any given moment. And even the stories about life itself.

Most of us have no real awareness of the inner commentary that is running our life....subtly, in the background of our everyday existence.

But your very happiness and the transformation you seek, depends first on your ability to recognize your own narratives. Let this month be the beginning of a journey of listening.

And then challenge what you hear.

"Is that thought about myself really true?"

"How does that story I often repeat to myself (or out loud) about my spouse (or my kids, my mom, my boss....) impact my relationship?"

"How are my beliefs about that person contributing to problems versus viable solutions?"

"How do my long held beliefs about how "the world works" holding me back?"

No judgment. No self loathing. No avoidance. No defending. No Excuses.

Just courageous opening.

In Curiosity.

Fascination.

Exploration.

Willingness.

Ease.

Quiet.

What do you notice?

Winter Blues

Sun, 01 Dec 2019 01:03:10 GMT

December 2019

Dear Laurie,

Every year, I struggle with the season of winter. The shorter days, the increased darkness and colder weather make for a very long and dismal several months. I should be excited about the upcoming holidays but I’m too busy feeling nervous about how I’ll feel January through March. The heaviness I know is around the corner leads me to hibernate beginning every new year. Even when there are others around me, I struggle to not feel lonely and miserable. I want this year to be different but don’t know how to make that happen.

Signed,

Winter Blues

Dear Winter Blues,

You are definitely not alone. Especially in areas where the weather gets much colder and the days of winter sunshine are scarce, the challenge is real. But real does not equal unchangeable. Here are 5 strategies to not only survive the winter but even enjoy it.

1. Get ahold of your story.

What is the narrative you keep repeating inside your head? Is there an expectation that the winter will be hard, long and awful? Is the voice inside your head filled with dread? Are you assuming that history will repeat itself? Do you believe that you are powerless to the wave of feelings that will wash over you? Pay attention to your internal self-talk. Your experiences follow your emotions. Emotions follow thought. Thoughts follow belief. And contrary to what our brains tell us, how we think is a choice. So the first step is to recognize the story. What is the narrative your brain is having you believe?

2. Get ahead of your story.

Take responsibility for your perspectives. If you want your life to change, you have to change the way you think about life, about yourself and about what is possible for you. Challenge yourself to make a list of alternative perspectives. Hold yourself accountable for the excuses that keep you stuck. With that said, beating yourself up and repeating all the ways you’re not enough is not the answer. Self-compassion while committing to rising up is more empowering. Stop isolating. Don’t believe everything you tell yourself. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. It literally re-wires the neural pathways in your brain. Interview your friends, acquaintances and family about how they stay mentally strong during the winter (hint: choose wisely here). Harness your vulnerability instead of running from it. Own your story and ask for help to change it.

3. Get a partner.

Ask a friend or family member to be your accountability partner. Someone who also struggles with the same feelings and wants to commit to a better life experience in the upcoming winter months can be an invaluable daily or weekly pacing partner- you may want to bring in a third person who typically does well in the winter. Meet now to discuss a plan for each of you and ask what each can do to hold each other accountable to the plan. Misery may love company but at the end of the day, you stay miserable. More darkness is never your only option. See a solution focused therapist or life coach who will help you create a new experience and who will also help you to rewrite the old narratives that contribute to keeping you in the dark.

4. Get a plan.

Start by taking really good care of yourself. Re-evaluate the use of band aids in your life, like alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant. It will numb you in the moment but when you wake up in the morning, your same life is still there. It contributes to the problem of depression, not the solution. Look at alcohol as a rare dessert- not a frequent way out. Same with medications- use it as a last resort. Visit deeper, healthier and more long-term choices first. Commit to exercise, daily meditation and weekly meal prepping. Bundle up and get outside whenever possible, especially when the sun is out. Get your vitamin D levels checked (and B12 while you’re at it). Discuss any nutrient deficiencies with your health care practitioner and any supplements that might be beneficial for boosting your mood and immunity. A healthy body is a happier body. Research the benefits of an indoor light therapy box (“happy lamp”). Have a large gratitude dry/erase, chalk board or note pad in the main living area of your home. Use it to record what you’re grateful for each day and look at it often as you move through your day or evening. Create a beautiful and inspiring collection of books, podcasts, journals and videos you can saturate yourself with during the challenging moments. Have them ready and easily accessible all winter so that you can read or listen and even randomly open to a page for a dose of wisdom. Just what you need to hear at just the right moment. (Hint: Trust Your Intuition: 100 Ways to Transform Anxiety and Depression for Stronger Mental Health by Jill Sylvester should be one of those resources in your inspiration tool belt). Be proactive, be ready and know you have everything you need to experience something different than years past. Engage choice. Ask yourself about the obstacles you’re likely to face with this plan and then get ahead of them. If it’s exercise- get a trainer. If it’s lack of energy-change your routine, get more sleep and commit to stronger self talk. If it’s your schedule, make some changes. Even small tweaks can make a difference. Yes, you can. Your mental health is worth the effort.

5. Get out your calendar.

Make plans for fun things. Don’t wait- plan now before you’re tempted to hibernate. If possible, break up the winter with a trip south into warmer weather. If you feel that’s not an option, what about just a relaxing weekend away? If you have young kids, ask for help with childcare for a few days. Watch a friend’s kids for a weekend so they can go away and ask them to return the favor. Be creative. Plan something different that you’ve never done before. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. Research deals- there are many. Schedule lunches or dinner with a friend, date nights, or a pedicure. Put dates on the calendar to invite a small (or big!) support group of friends over for a game or movie night. These events don’t even have to be social. Maybe you purchase tickets ahead of time to go to visit a museum or two by yourself or make weekly visits to the library or sign up for an online or in person class or book club. The list is endless. Research shows that just doing something different rewires the neural circuitry in the brain and creates opportunity for change. If you keep doing the same thing year after year, you’re going to get the same result. If your brain jumped to thoughts during this section like “what if I plan something and then don’t have the energy to go?” Or “what if the weather is bad?” Revisit strategy one on this list and then repeat.

You really are that powerful.

November 2019

Wed, 23 Oct 2019 17:49:02 GMT

Peaceful Holidays

Dear Laurie,

Every year, I have a sense of overwhelm and stress around the holidays. I feel like most of the time, I'm just trying to survive it and when it's over, I look back and realize I didn't really enjoy it. I want this year to be different but I'm just not sure how to make that happen.

Signed,

Overwhelmed and Stressed

Dear Overwhelmed and Stressed,

This is a common issue for many of us. We jump onto the hamster wheel and we just go- doing things as we've always done them, without mindful thinking. It's not as if we can't figure out how to make things better on our own, but somehow we just don't make the changes. I believe that it's not that we can't, it's that we don't take time out of our busyness to be intentional and thoughtful and so....we just forget to do better. So here's 5 tips- five reminders to help bring you to a more peaceful holiday season. Edit and mold them to fit for you and then print it out and share your intentions with your family members so there's more hope these shifts will stick.

5 Tips to Make this Your Most Peaceful Holiday Season Yet

1. Make your relationships your priority.

There always seems to be a lot to do this time of year. Decide this year that relationships will be more important than unnecessary obligations. If you typically spend a holiday in a place where there's tension and drama, do something different. Create a new tradition. If you don't want to go to your co-worker's Christmas party, don't go. Snuggle up with your family and watch It's a Wonderful Life instead. If you have limited money yet still buy presents for people on your list that you buy for just because "it's the way we've always done it", reconsider. Have a thoughtful conversation (there's a good chance they feel the same way!) and let go of feeling trapped into traditions that don't serve your family. Spend those resources on an outing with the kids or go to the theater with your best friend. Life is short. Spend it nurturing your most treasured relationships.

2. Focus on Intention.

Your experiences will be determined by where you place your focus. If you focus on the dread of seeing or "dealing with" a particular relative(s) or situation, your experience will match your dread . This year, let your focus be on who you intend to be regardless of the choices and circumstances happening around you. Let your intentions lead you towards inner strength, wisdom and compassion and note how your experiences change as a result. Consider letting your focus be on how you want to show up rather than wishing others were different. If you program dread into your inner navigation system, the result will likely be disappointing (again). Program authentic compassion, forgiveness, with strong healthy boundaries and a willingness to be that which you expect from others, and the result will likely surprise you.

3. Challenge Yourself.

Challenge yourself to look at the difficult situations and relationships in your life with a new set of eyes. If you could feel totally at peace in the presence of this relationship or situation, what quality would it mean you have developed within yourself? How would that quality benefit you in the rest of your life? What if you chose to see this situation as a way to practice a more empowering belief or behavior? How would this perspective change your life experience?

4. Release.

Set a goal to notice and release some beliefs and patterns that no longer serve you. For example, I am always on the lookout for when I am needing to be right. This is a long standing behavior of mine and brings me out of alignment with who I intend to be because it's wasted energy needlessly trying to make someone else wrong. The judgmental behavior is ugly and useless. When I catch myself engaged in this pattern, I pull myself back. Sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I make a note to hold myself to a higher standard next time. It's ongoing work but it's worth it. Releasing old patterns and beliefs opens us up to create new and more peaceful experiences.

5. Breathe.

When all else fails and you're having a moment, breathe. Three deep, meaningful, cleansing belly breaths. Often. Before speaking. Before reacting. Breathe deeply for better health, less anxiety, less stress and more clarity. Notice how you feel in these moments and how your choices are more empowered afterwards.

I have come to learn that if I want a more peaceful existence, peace will always begin with me. If we want to experience something different, we must think different. A peaceful and beautiful holiday season is our choice.

We really are that powerful.

October 2019

Wed, 02 Oct 2019 17:32:27 GMT

Sales Success

Dear Laurie,

I work in the sales industry and I've attended all the trainings my company has offered. I find I'm still getting frustrated at month end, struggling to reach the expected goals. I truly believe that there are many external factors that add to my challenges. I do have to admit though, there are people in my company hitting numbers much higher than me. I'm really trying but don't know how to change my results. I feel like there's always too much standing in my way that I just can't control.

Signed,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

For many years, I coached people in the sales industry exclusively. Although now my primary focus is personal development, I still have many clients that are looking for help with stronger sales and business results. After 16 years of watching patterns in people, I've found there is one determining factor in a client or team's success. It's mindset.

The one thing that separates those that are successful from those that are not is that successful people have stronger mindsets. They believe in themselves and they believe in what's possible and they don't allow themselves to focus on how hard it is to hurdle all the external obstacles.

Many companies train their employees with skill-related curriculum. Although important, what is most relevant is personal growth training. It's my belief that this should be the focus on a regular basis within companies. Things like self-awareness and emotional and relationship management would provide far more benefit if added to the training protocol for those in the sales industry (and let's face it- ALL industries!). People can have all the technical skills and strategies mastered but if they can't effectively manage themselves internally, none of that will matter. We all have room to grow in this area.

If we are brave enough to be really self aware, we'll find that there are often underlying, subconscious patterns that stand in the way of better outcomes.

Here's a few shifts to consider:

Pay attention to some of the internal sentences you might be allowing to infiltrate your mental space. What are you saying to yourself (or out loud) about your potential customers, the industry, the challenges, the economy and your product or service desirability? Really pay attention. Do you hear a lot of excuses? Blame? Take ownership of the stories (real or imagined) that you allow to lead your career. Hold yourself accountable for the excuses and take 100% responsibility for your thoughts. Catch yourself when you get stuck in your own idea of reality and when you analyze all the reasons your success is out of your control. Then choose to focus on what you can do and what is in your control. Create a plan from the mindset of expansion and possibility versus lack or negativity. What you focus on most will greatly impact your results. Focus on all the reasons you can't make better numbers and prepare yourself for the scarcity path ahead.

Look at the bigger picture. Focus on what is meaningful about what you're doing. When we're focused most on making numbers, doing our job so we can collect our compensation, paying our bills and making as much money as possible, we miss out on opportunities that can lead to a more fulfilling career. What I noticed (and if you've ever bought a car, you've noticed it too), when a sales person is operating in the energy of selfishness, scarcity, lack or desperation, the prospective client/customer can feel it. Slimy sales strategies may lead to some additional sales (occasionally), but true success is multi-faceted and if making money is your primary goal, there will be a limit to what you'll experience.

Focus on service. How can you serve your customer. Forget about what's in it for you. No, don't play doormat, over-give or sell yourself short. Instead seek mutual benefit. Let your highest values lead you and care more about your customer and see what happens

Sales (like life) is about relationships. Be honest with yourself about the message you give off about who you are. People buy from people they like and respect. Choose to be someone other people want to be around. Take responsibility for your internal and external reactions. Who you are matters. Be willing to do a 30,000 foot view and observe yourself. How do you treat other people? How do you treat yourself? What are you thinking about while talking to a potential customer or colleague? What does your body language say? Yes, this matters even while on the phone. Sit or stand with confidence regardless. Don't get sucked into the self-judgment trap. Honor your humanity and imperfections while also rising up. Be willing to re-evaluate your sales tactics. What can elevate?

Authenticity can go a long way in building strong personal and professional relationships. So be sure you really do like and see the value in what you're selling.

Follow the voice of your highest self- this will never steer you in the wrong direction. Listen to and trust your intuition and let that always lead your life and work.

September 2019

Mon, 02 Sep 2019 19:52:32 GMT

The Empty Nest

Dear Laurie,

I'm in a rut. I'm a recent empty nester. I've spent the last many years focused on raising my kids and now, I don't know what to do with myself. I've always worked, but only jobs that allowed me the flexibility to work around the schedule of my kids and nothing where I've been all that happy. I'm also suddenly struggling with sadness that feels like I'm walking through cement. How do I find some direction for my life?

Signed,

Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester,

You are not alone. We all come to a point in our lives where we lack clarity and a clear path forward. We are expected to carry on but life feels different. It's not necessarily a good different but it's not a bad different either. We know we can't go back so we feel compelled towards change. The problem is, we don't always know exactly what that change might look like. Suddenly (or gradually), you feel challenged to do or be something more than who you are in your current life. This inner turmoil feels downright uncomfortable and can seem like the uncertainty will last forever.

But it won't. And the choices you make will determine how long you stay in this space. Here's some thoughts....

First, don't resist the discomfort. Instead, give yourself time to grieve. This is normal and healthy as we enter into a new phase of life. Our old identity is all that we know. Change is scary and can also be sad, especially when change involves our children. Set a time frame for yourself. It can be one month or three months or more or less- whatever resonates for you. Allow yourself space for self-care. Read more, clean out some closets, remodel a room you've been wanting to improve, do something creative and explore nature. Process how you're feeling with a spouse or a friend and know that this too shall pass.

Second, give yourself another time frame for the exploration of what's next. You don't need to figure it all out immediately. Your unique situation will determine how you choose to navigate but here's a few basic strategies to gain some direction:

1. Keep a notebook of ideas to record your thoughts, fears and even your dreams when you wake up in the morning (these can provide great guidance so pay attention!). Meditate with the intention of answering the question, "What is next for me?" Be aware of any images in your mind or intuitive moments when you seem to be attracted or guided towards a specific direction. If you come across articles or business cards or anything that sparks an idea for you, tuck it into that notebook to keep everything in one place. Set aside time to research directions of interest simply to fill your notebook- no pressure.

2. Dare to dream. Be open to possibilities and be careful of where you put your focus. Hold yourself accountable when you recognize self-sabotaging thoughts like "I'm too old" or "I can't do that" or "that would be too hard/expensive/impossible". Be willing to explore opportunities without fear- you're not committing to anything by simply gaining information. Challenge yourself to think big.

3. Think of the people you know who may be doing what you'd want to do. Meet them for coffee or take them to lunch or just ask for a few minutes of their time to find out more about their field, volunteer work or travels. Pay attention when you're out and about. See the world with a new and curious set of eyes. Imagine enjoying this next chapter, feeling fulfilled and energized.

4. Communicate your thoughts to a trusted friend, partner, counselor or life coach. Be willing to seek wise counsel if you need it. When you reveal your fears, they feel more manageable and the extra support can make this space, however vast it might seem, easier to endure.

It's difficult when we are smack in the middle of a transition and it's easy to forget that we won't be sitting in this dark space forever. What you place your focus on will determine how long you stay in the dark.

Be patient. Trust that when the time is right, you'll figure it all out.

August 2019

Wed, 31 Jul 2019 01:21:45 GMT

Creating Sustainable Change

Dear Laurie,

I've been working at making some changes in my life. Yet every time I try to shift towards a more self-supportive decision, I seem to revert back to old habits and choices. Why is it so hard to change?!?!

Signed,

Old Habits

Dear Old Habits,

Many of my clients ask this same question. The brain is an interesting organ. But it's just that. An organ that runs with thoughts automatically, just like your heart beats and your lungs breathe.

Those thoughts are often based on old, subconscious, habitual patterns seared in your brain long ago. The reason it takes so long to change is that the neural pathways that lead you to continue to make the same choices over and over again despite wanting different, are paths very well traveled.

If you want to change, you must create new neural pathways. And that typically takes time.

Here's a metaphor that my clients find helpful. Imagine you decide to go for a hike in the woods. You drive your car to the well known trail close to your home. You pull into the parking lot and there it is....the path well traveled. It's easy to find, you know where it goes, the hike is an effortless one. You know the terrain and as if on auto-pilot, you arrive at your destination.

The path leads to a run-down old shack that you've seen over and over again. You're not sure why you keep choosing this path because it doesn't lead to anything good. But a new path brings uncertainty and discomfort, and this one is easy to walk. So you keep taking it.

Finally, you've had enough. You decide you've been down this path far too often and that it's time for something new.

So you courageously step into the thick brush of the forest, moving aside the branches, unsure of exactly where you're going and what you'll find on the other side. You get slapped by twigs, sticks and leaves as they snap right back into place. Your legs get scratched and you roll your ankles on the uneven ground. But you keep going and you finally arrive and it leads to something new. Something challenging. Something more beneficial. Something worth the discomfort.

Think about the next time you return to that same trail. You now know where you want to go. And where you don't. But you've only traveled the new path one time. It remains difficult to find. And even more difficult to navigate. Yet the old path remains clearly marked. And easy. So....well, you take it again. And again. Until you don't. Because you remember there's another way. It's still hard to find, but you're determined. Because you want what is on the other side more than you want to go to that old shack at the end of the well traveled path.

Think about how many times you'll need to travel that new route through the thick, scratchy brush before it becomes a well traveled path that is effortless to walk. Think about how long it will be before the neglected well traveled path grows weeds, brush and even trees and is no longer visible and easy.

That is how your brain works. You must resist the easy and effortless well traveled ways. You must grow conscious of the unconscious. You must be willing to lean into your discomfort.

And you must give yourself a break. Be fascinated with the human condition and our tendency to revert back to old patterns while holding yourself accountable for the tenacity and perseverance needed to keep moving towards better.

And after awhile, slowly but surely, you will meet sustainable change.

July 2019

Sun, 30 Jun 2019 14:26:00 GMT

Dear Laurie,

I find that frustration seems to be a normal state of mind for me. I'm frustrated with myself for not being where I think I should be in life. I'm frustrated within some of my close personal relationships because I'm tired of the typical dynamics in how we relate to each other. I'm frustrated at work, at my boss and some of my co-workers for many different reasons . I even find myself getting frustrated at strangers when they don't act the way they should. I feel stuck- HELP!

Signed,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

My coaching and teaching has always been geared towards personal responsibility, powerful choice and profound self-awareness. When I teach 6 week classes or have worked with a client for some time, I will often ask, "In one word, what have you gained from this inner work?" The word that comes to people most often in the 16 years I've asked this question, is FREEDOM.

One of the best gifts we can give ourselves is the skill of emotional management. The ability to manage our emotions, regardless of what is happening to us or around us keeps us from staying stuck in frustration or stagnation. We falsely believe our frustration is caused by external circumstance or other people. It's not. It is caused by our internal stories. And our internal stories lead us to our emotions, which lead to our actions which lead to our experiences.

So if we want our experiences to change, we must be willing to choose deep self-reflection and challenge ourselves to take ownership of the story we're telling ourselves in any given moment. Here's three key steps to get you started:

1. Get out of the victim mindset. Nothing powerful ever happens there. If you're feeling sorry for yourself, and victimized by circumstance, you're always going to be tired, stuck and frustrated. You're in charge of your life. And nobody can determine where you put your focus but you. Take responsibility for what you want your life to look like moving forward. Identify your strongest options in thoughts, emotions and actions and make one powerful choice at a time. Before long, your life will look very different than it does now.

2. Take it up a notch. Ask yourself, "What would radical compassion and appreciation look like here?"

If you're focused on judgment- either of yourself or someone else, you're going to suffer. We're all taking this journey of life and it's no joke. Nobody does it perfect. Honor the humanity in all of us, knowing we're all doing the best we can with the tools we have in our own personal tool belts in each moment. Compassion and appreciation lifts us up to higher ground- the view is better up there and we make more powerful decisions when we choose to look for the good in life, ourselves and each other.

3. Let stuff go. Don't let frustrations pile up in your mind. Be intentional about releasing the thoughts and emotions that you recognize aren't serving you. Choose mindfulness strategies that create space between the situation and your typical reactions to them. Be on the look out for what you might be holding onto that may be creating problems that need not exist. Be willing to ask yourself in a moment of frustration, "Do I need to carry this around or is it best to drop this where I stand?" Be brutally honest with yourself here. Brave the release where appropriate. Frustration weighs you down. Letting go is freedom.

You really are that powerful.

June 2019

Wed, 05 Jun 2019 02:48:34 GMT

Letting Go

Dear Laurie,

I experienced a difficult past and have been in therapy for many years as a result. I want to move forward but I don’t know what that looks like. How does one finally let go and move on?

Signed,

Wanting to move forward

Dear Wanting to Move Forward,

Obviously, each person is unique, and each experience impacts us all in different ways depending on various factors. It’s sometimes necessary to unpack old wounds in order to heal. With that said, we don’t need to stay stuck in the past forever. Here are just a few action step ideas to initiate change:

Ask yourself it it’s time to stop talking about the past. We can’t change it and continuing to talk about it, re-visit it, or try and figure it out can keep us stuck. Assuming that the many years of therapy has served its purpose, it’s now time to talk about today and what future you’re wanting to create. You’re in charge of where you direct your focus.

Be the gatekeeper. Pay attention to what you’re thinking and be the gatekeeper of your thoughts. Try not to engage, argue with, fix or concern yourself with the repetitive thinking patterns. Simply notice them and step away with a simple, “That thought pattern no longer serves me.”

Take responsibility for your triggers. When we blame other people or situations for why we can’t move forward, nothing positive will result. Don’t believe that you’re powerless to triggers. This is challenging work and will take focused intention- it will be worth it. Your triggers only own the power you give them.

Set goals. What do you want for yourself? Pay attention to the obstacles and excuses your mind creates. Write down your goals and create 2-3 strategies or action steps that will get you closer to those goals. Consider setting weekly, monthly and yearly goals- stay focused on this next chapter of your life and what you want for yourself now.

Focus on giving. A mind in pain becomes a selfish mind. This is true for all of us. When we’re stuck in anxiety and depression, we’re focused on our own pain, our own sadness and our own internal chaos. If we can focus on contributing to something larger than ourselves, we create space to move forward.

Choose Gratitude. It’s easy to focus on the negative and far more difficult to choose grace when we’re in the dark. Yet gratitude is what helps us to be present in the moment and gives us space to move on from the past.

Be compassionate with yourself. When you find yourself getting frustrated, believe in your potential for change. Go beyond the self-judgment. Take on the mantra, “Just because I haven’t figured it out yet, doesn’t mean I won’t”. Believe in yourself just as much as you would believe in a best friend.

What other ideas might you try?

Being stuck in the past is exhausting. You deserve all that the present and future has to offer. Need help? Consider working with a coach. Life coaches are trained to focus on what is in front of you versus what happened behind you. A partner who will challenge your perspectives and help you to create important strategies and new ways of seeing yourself, others and life itself can be quite beneficial.

You're more powerful than you think....

May 2019

Tue, 30 Apr 2019 02:31:17 GMT

Dear Laurie,

I've been feeling a lot of stress and overwhelm. My life feels crazy and chaotic, my job and family both present many relationship challenges. I tell myself to think positive but it doesn't work. My mind is always spinning. How do I get off this hamster wheel?

Signed,

Trying to be Positive

Dear Trying to be Positive,

Regardless of who we are, our family situation or our career choices, there will always be stress. Sometimes very, very high levels of stress. We can lose jobs, we can lose friends, we can lose loved ones. These are the things that shake us to our core. Yet instead of saving our brain reserves for when we truly need it, we tend to create problems where they don't necessarily need to exist. We do this through the stories we tell ourselves.

It's not what is happening that causes our stress. It's the story we tell ourselves about what's happening. It will always be that- and the story we tell ourselves will always be a choice.

Story shifting is the work for all of us. Much of what we do in coaching is about not only recognizing the habitual tales we allow to run automatically inside our heads but also becoming aware of who we are being while believing what we're believing.

The more aware we become, the more we shift. The more we shift, the more peace we have the opportunity to experience.

Byron Katie, the author of A Mind at Home with Itself, discusses four questions that can free your mind. This month, consider challenging yourself with the following questions when you catch yourself feeling overwhelmed. Determine who or what you believe is causing your stress and then ask:

Is that thought or story true?
What is the evidence that thought or story is true?
Who am I being believing this thought/story?
Who would I be without the thought/story?

The last question encourages us to engage choice. No excuses. No blaming. We can choose to go high- take personal responsibility for what we allow to lead us in any given moment and change the story about the person in front of us, the situation at hand and about our own ability to create a more peaceful existence regardless of what we are facing.

"When I believe my thoughts, I suffer. When I question my thoughts, I don't suffer." Byron Katie

April 2019

Wed, 03 Apr 2019 03:51:56 GMT

Creating a New Story

Dear Laurie,

How do you know when it's time to leave a relationship? I feel like I'm one foot out the door. I'm constantly frustrated by my spouse's daily choices. I communicate my needs and wants and I'm clearly not important enough because those needs are rarely met. I'm sick and tired of saying the same things over and over. I keep expecting change but it never happens.

Help!

Signed,

Expecting Change

Dear Expecting Change,

This is a common story that I've been hearing in my many years as a coach. In fact, part of this was my story for quite some time. I would often complain about not being heard by my husband and I was convinced that if he just made certain "necessary" changes, it would show he really loved me and I would be happier. And when those changes weren't made, I created another story in my mind about what that meant. And like many of my clients, my reactions were led by that story. Until one day, I chose something different.

I changed the story.

I decided that fulfilling my needs was my responsibility. And so was my happiness. I chose to focus on what my husband does right instead of what frustrates me. I took ownership of my perceptions. I decided that my beliefs about who he should be and how he should show love were just habitual thoughts and some of those habits needed to go.

Slowly, I chose to focus on who my husband was at his core. I held myself accountable to thoughts like, "If he expects me to pick up the dirty clothes he leaves beside the hamper after I've told him a million times not to do it, he's crazy!" I stopped assigning meaning to his actions. When he left the clothes on the floor I stopped thinking it was because he didn't love me enough to listen or care that it bothered me.

And the more I found ways to shift my internal story from blame and victim mindset in these little ways, the more I was able to shift the story for the bigger things. And the more peaceful I felt. And the stronger the relationship grew.

And suddenly, I saw all the ways he does show love that I hadn't really paid much attention to before. And I found gratitude.

And that made all the difference.

Had I continued to listen to the old story in my mind, I shudder to think about where my relationship might be all these years later. I can't imagine having missed out on all that it is now.

Think about what you want. What you really, really want. Then ask yourself if your common stories and resulting reactions are in alignment with that. Decide what your highest priorities are and let that lead you. Know what to let go of and what to hold on to. Should you settle for a poor situation? Of course not. Establish your non-negotiables but make it a short list. Hold true to strong, healthy boundaries but hold yourself to the highest standard and be willing to question your story. How might you be contributing to the problem because you've assigned your spouse the task of being responsible for your happiness? Challenge your expectations of who your spouse should be and be willing to fulfill your own needs.

Ask for a partner- yes. But be willing to be the partner you seek. Be careful not to assume you're already that.

Fully participate in the relationship you want instead of dictating the relationship you need.

Think about what radical appreciation and radical compassion might look like. And then only after that, make a decision to stay or go.

"Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole life will change." ~Tony Robbins

March 2019

Mon, 04 Mar 2019 01:43:58 GMT

Fearing Confrontation

Dear Laurie,

I work at a job where employees take turns taking holidays and weekends off. There's a structure to keep it fair for everyone and we all know the protocol but somehow, I seem to be the one my manager will move around in order to accommodate the vacation and time-off desires of my co-workers. This has been going on for years, but every time I set out to speak up to my manager, I lose courage and just succumb to whatever schedule is created. I like my job and I do work well with most of my co-workers but I'm beginning to get very bitter and resentful towards them for not being more considerate. I've had enough.

Signed,

Had Enough

Dear Had Enough,

So often, a client will come in for coaching because they are struggling with a personal or professional situation. Sometimes these are situations that have been going on for months or even years. They will outline the situation for me - a situation where an important conversation surely has taken place by now. Yet when I ask about the response from the other person in regards to that assumed conversation, often my client will look at me and say, "Oh, I haven't discussed this with anyone yet."

And here's why. Many of us are terrified of confrontation. Or more appropriately said, we are terrified of perceived confrontations. We don't want to rock the boat or stir the pot. So we settle for less than, continuing to do the same thing over and over, hoping the other people will eventually figure out how we're feeling and then change on their own.

Here's the thing we forget- we teach people how to treat us. When we settle for less than, we are essentially saying, "I'm ok with this situation." And so nothing changes. We've convinced ourselves the danger of speaking up is worse than the current state of our lives so we continue on....until we can no longer tolerate it any longer.

In the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, the authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler found in their research that "when it matters most, we do our worst." And considering our human circuitry, this makes sense. After all, our brains are not wired for our happiness. They are wired for our protection. So when emotions run high, our amygdala wants us to run for the hills, freeze or even fight. And neither of these three options are optimal for a strong outcome to a crucial conversation.

First, get your story in check. If you perceive that a conversation will be confrontational, you're setting yourself up to fight or give in. Second, decide what you hope the outcome will be. The authors suggest asking yourself, "What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?" Third, remember that you are in charge of your brain, not the other way around. Prepare yourself with tools that remind you to lead with mutual benefit in mind and solid responses without strong emotions. Get your energy in check before the conversation- confidence without arrogance and compassion without caving.

Even if you don't get exactly the result you want, lead yourself with intention, self-respect and respect for all involved.

The courage to speak will always feel better than the silence of resentment.

February 2019

Sat, 02 Feb 2019 21:11:02 GMT

Strong Marriages Require Strong Prioritizing

Dear Laurie,

My husband and I have 3 children. Lately, it’s hard to be in the same room together without one of us saying something nasty that spurs an argument that can last for days. We both work full time and nights and weekends are spent dividing and conquering, running the kids to their activities or taking care of their many needs. We both adore our children and enjoy making family memories, but I still feel like when it comes to our marriage, we’ve grown apart. I’m not sure what to do to change it.

Signed,

Wanting Change

Dear Wanting Change,

Somehow our society has us believing that our children must always be our top priority while the relationship with our spouse should take a backseat until the kids are in college. Even if we don’t consciously believe this, we often act as if we do…. we go through the motions, exhausted by the challenges of parenting while working to provide for our family. Many relationships are tested to limits that are simply unsustainable. Yes, our children are a huge priority and rightly so, but one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a strong and happy marriage.

At the end of the day, our happiness will be directly related to the quality of our relationships. Find ways to make your relationship your highest priority- this is the person you’ve vowed to spend your life with. Your kids will grow to have their own lives and families. When they do, you want to still like the person sitting on the other side of the dinner table. The investment in your marriage is well worth your effort.

Make time for your spouse. Plan date nights, weekends away and even romantic vacations every once in awhile (yes, these can be done on a budget!). If childcare is a challenge, be creative and think of ideas that can work for your family. For example, offer to take your best friend’s kids so they can get away for a weekend and ask they do the same for you. If your kids need to miss an activity on occasion, it won’t be the end of the world. It’s easy to make excuses as to why alone time is impossible. The consequences of not making your relationship a priority however, are not at all easy- for you or your children.

Show your children the benefits of investing your time into your relationship. What is it we want to model for our children as we raise them to be strong healthy adults? What is the future life we hope for our daughters and sons? We must ask ourselves, how am I showing up in this marriage and what shifts might I make in order to model a stronger and more intimate partnership?

In the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, research from 350 couples in failing marriages revealed that relationships fail because of behavior not chemistry or compatibility. Our daily choices really do matter.

Start communicating with your partner about your feelings today. No blaming. No shaming. No bringing up all the ways your spouse hasn’t measured up in the past. Simply communicate with empathy and a desire to grow forward- and together. Then make a date for some alone time.

Top Ten Reasons to Take the Next Powerful Women Class

Mon, 21 Jan 2019 22:59:43 GMT

Personal Development- The more we learn about ourselves, the better we are at noticing when we're choosing self-sabotaging behaviors. We ALL have this issue - no one escapes it. But when we know more, we become more. This is the inner work I do every single day. It never gets old and we never "finish".
Serve Others- Don't underestimate the power of your presence in a group. As you grow, you provide an opportunity for those around you to grow as well. We ALL learn from each other. I have been blown away by how much the Powerful Women Class participants have gained and given to each other just by showing up and being themselves. To be present to this is a privilege I don't take lightly.
Relaxation- Let's face it, life can be crazy! Put your self-care on your schedule! You take care of everyone else- it's time to carve out time for yourself. This class is an opportunity to have 2 hours each week for YOU. Two hours focused on engaging conversation about being more internally peaceful.
Confidence- If this is a challenge for you- you'll gain a lot from this class. I love how this class has shown people how alike we can be and how much of the things we think about ourselves is pretty wonky. So even if you feel pretty confident in general, this class allows you to focus in even higher ways. Confidence demands the best kind of attention. Not bragging. Not cocky. Not selfishness. But a genuine honoring of your own uniqueness and how you have an obligation to be no one but you. Yes, that.
Better Relationships- I love when I see a client out and about and he or she introduces me to their family member and that person (often a spouse) immediately gives me a big bear hug and an emphatic thank you. This is most definitely my FAVORITE part of being a coach. This class focuses on how each of us can show up with less stress and more internal peace. And a more peaceful you leads to awesome relationships. NOTE: Now to be fair, not everyone likes a more powerful woman - and those are obviously NOT the people who should help us make our decisions anyway. But you already know that.
Acceptance- So you've got this one life in this body - and it's a short life. It flies by. Before you know it, you've got gray hair and you're wondering how you got here so fast. This class helps us to take a breath, start from right here and make decisions to accept those things we cannot change and to even invite some peace around them - yes, that is possible.
Perspective- So in coaching- there's a saying. You HAVE to have a niche - a specialty. So my coaching niche is Perspective Shifting (I know, I know- it's not a real niche). My clients will tell you I'm a Perspective Drill Sergeant. If there's one thing I've learned, change the way you see the situations and relationships in your life, and the situations and relationships in your life will change. Keep seeing the same things, you'll keep doing the same things, and well.......we know where that leads.
It's Scary!- This may not seem like a good reason but we don't grow in the comfortable. We grow in the uncomfortable. All the greatest leaders in our history will tell you, do the things that scare you. If you have an interest in this class, it's because you're ready for it.
It's Affordable- This class is $280. Other 6 week series could run you anywhere between $500 and several thousand dollars. This is an affordable investment in YOU -and what you'll do with this gift to yourself will benefit every single person you spend one minute or more with. Trust me, it's worth it. Take this class at this price- it will be going up soon!
You've been wanting to take it for awhile!- I often have people tell me, "I've been wanting to take that class for years and just haven't made the time." There will never be enough time- if we want something bad enough, we must create the time. So do a gut check and ask yourself if you're ready. If so......

Head on over to the Classes Page and find out more or OR sign up for our newsletter for updates on new classes.

Powerful Baseball and Bathrooms??

Thu, 17 Jan 2019 03:16:48 GMT

A few years ago, my family and I attended a baseball game. A few rows in front of us, sat a beautiful mother - in all senses of the word. Her grace overwhelmed me at times as she cared for her seriously disabled child. As she appeared to enjoy the game and her time at the park, her gaze never stayed on the field for more than a few seconds. She lovingly checked on the adorable child beside her, suctioning his lungs every 5 or so minutes and attending to his many needs. She appeared at ease and light-hearted, smiling often at both of her young children and her husband.

I caught my own children watching this mother on several occasions and at one point, my daughter looked at me with her big, compassionate eyes and said, "Mom, that's what you mean when you say to me, 'How blessed are you that you get to clean and vacuum your bedroom,' isn't it?" I nodded yes and asked her, "How might that little boy feel about jumping out of his wheel chair, no tubes attached to his body, with healthy legs and arms to clean his room?" No answer was necessary as we continued to be graced by the presence of this beautiful family.

Later in the evening, my daughter and I were impacted by another strong woman. We entered a public bathroom in a hotel lobby and was greeted warmly by the attendant responsible for keeping it clean. She diligently wiped down the faucets, walls and counters as she sang and hummed happily. As we walked out of the bathroom, we couldn't help smiling at each other; more evidence from the day that happiness is not a result of external circumstances but a conscious choice.

For the rest of the night and up until this very moment, I think of these women and the lessons they shared with my family and I and it brings to mind the incalculable effect we all have on each other. There's a universal law I learned about from a favorite author, Andy Andrews in his book, The Butterfly Effect. The Law of Sensitive Dependence Upon Initial Conditions confirms that when a butterfly flaps it's wings, it moves air molecules which in turn moves other molecules of air, which affects other molecules of air and others, and so on, having the ability to affect molecules of air on the other side of the earth.

The law insists, like a butterfly, we all affect each other, just by being ourselves, in ways we can't imagine and will never even realize. My family and I were both greatly and gratefully impacted and our thoughts and decisions will be different in various ways as a product of these "chance" encounters on this particular day. How our resulting choices might positively affect others, maybe even you, we'll never know. But the point is more usefully applied to the realization that each of us is like a butterfly and we never know who might be watching and influenced by the flapping of our wings.

You really are that powerful.

January 2019

Tue, 01 Jan 2019 23:54:24 GMT

Dear Laurie,

Every year, I set New Year's Resolutions- often geared toward losing weight. I join the gym, I vow to give up sugar and in the beginning, I am so dedicated. And then every year, usually by the end of January, I've already given up. It's like I throw my hands in the air and admit defeat and resume my usual ways for the remainder of the year. What are some ways I can stick to my diet and finally be successful once and for all?

Signed,

Time for a New Strategy

Dear Time for a New Strategy,

Let me just say, I'm not an expert in the fitness and weight loss field but I've learned enough about the typical mindset patterns of human beings. And these patterns apply to losing weight, too. So first, stop dieting! The all-or-nothing thinking is not serving you, it relies on will power and sets you up for failure.

Here are some additional ideas for you to consider:

Shift your focus from deprivation and judgment to self-worth. This year, decide to focus on total wellness- body, mind and spirit. This means, first and foremost, be nice to yourself. Don't expect perfection. Take one day, and even one hour at a time. If you stray from making a healthy choice on Wednesday, refrain from bingeing and shaming and throwing in the towel until after the weekend! Instead, right then and there, ask yourself, "What is one, small healthy choice I can make right now?" How big or small that healthy behavior might be doesn't matter- just do something that strengthens you. Then forgive yourself for eating the cheesecake and move on.

Forget about losing weight. Focus on being a healthier you, feeling clearer, and more energized- and more comfortable in your skin. Pick a daily focus and make it something doable. Make that choice something that can create momentum- for example, you might start the day with a green juice or smoothie or prepare healthy meals, soups or snacks a day or two in advance. Be a collector of ideas for healthy choices you know you could stick to.

Refrain from fad diets, popular "programs" that you haven't significantly and independently researched and long term juice fasts. These are not sustainable (or often affordable) ways of living your life. Not to mention, they contribute to the dangerous dieting roller coaster. It's one thing to do a re-set for a few days, but consider a life-long shift in lifestyle and most of all, mindset. There are plenty of "experts" out there and tons of conflicting information. Remember, you are the expert - Listen to your body and your intuition and it will tell you what works for you.

Make your goals achievable and then build on them. Keep free weights by the TV and a set in your bedroom. Challenge yourself to do even 5 minutes during commercials or just before you jump in the shower. Don't make exercise this big deal that you have to create a ton of time for- Just set a goal for 15 minutes on the treadmill (or exercise of your choice). If that's all you get to, great. Let it create momentum for more healthy choices. On those days you have more energy, challenge yourself to add more time. Some days, you'll find that you make it to 30 or 45 minutes or even an hour just by tricking your brain to do more in just 5 minute increments. Before you know it, you've developed some healthier habits that you actually stick to and you'll feel stronger than ever. Bottom line- shoot for what you can do, instead of these lofty goals that lead to excuse making like being too tired or not having enough time. Just doing something is better than doing nothing.

Look for small ways to decrease unhealthy habits just a little at a time. For example, if you're a coffee drinker, decrease the sugar by just a teaspoon and cut the cream some. Spend a week or two getting used to just that and then continue to decrease a little again. Just as important, look for things to add to your typical diet, versus just taking away. Organic steel cut oatmeal, a fruit smoothie, avocado toast with sea salt or a spinach salad- But make it something you enjoy and look forward to versus dread eating. Over time, you'll be shocked at how your taste buds begin to crave healthier fare.

Instead of relying on will power, rely on strategy. Figure out those crucial moments when you are most vulnerable to unhealthy choices and strategize ways to stay ahead of yourself. Ask for help. Get support. Sign up for yoga or spin classes, hire a trainer, or get a work-out buddy who can share accountability. Make simple shifts and trade one vice for something that still satisfies a craving- like organic fresh popped popcorn for that potato chip binge during nighttime TV. A sweet potato/avocado brownie recipe in place of the processed/high sugar fudge brownies- don't knock it until you try it- healthier options do have a way of growing on you.

When you fall, dust yourself off, stand back up and start again. In that moment. Because you love yourself that much- and because your health is important to you. Who cares about the number on the scale. Who cares how many times you failed. Care about the number of times in a day you are grateful for the strong, healthy choices you have made and will continue to make. Keep your focus on moving forward, creating momentum in small ways and over time, gaining strength in sustainable, baby steps. Consider meditation, mindfulness exercises and deep breathing. Keep setting new goals and re-evaluating what's working and not working without all the self-judgment, because in the end, it will not be your food and exercise choices that will lead you to success- it will be your mindset.

So BELIEVE you are worthy.

Because self-sabotage and shaming are SO 2018.

A Focus on Dog Poop?

Sun, 30 Dec 2018 02:31:45 GMT

During a beautiful winter day, I took my dog for a walk along the Cape Cod Canal. As always, I bring her over to the woods before we get our exercise. Typically, I enjoy practicing mindfulness while taking my walks and almost never listen to music or use my phone. On this particular day, I decided to try out (unsuccessfully, might I add) a new music app I had just installed. As my dog climbed under the fence to sniff the perfect spot to do her business, I fiddled with the perfect playlist. At one point, I turned to look towards the water and noticed a woman staring at me as she was walking. I couldn't hear anything with my ear buds in but I assumed she was talking to her family members and that she must be a dog lover if she's stopped to watch us.

Sila, my black lab, took her sweet time as we continued to walk at the edge of the wooded area. She finally climbed under the fence, into the thick brush, under some thorny branches and pooped. Once she was done, we began to move towards the paved walkway to begin our exercise. As I turned, I noticed the same woman had continued to walk at our pace. She was stopped and I could see her lips moving as we made our way closer and suddenly I thought, "Is she talking to me?"

I pulled out one ear bud, expecting that she was one of the many dog lovers on the canal and instead realized she was actually screaming at me! I didn't catch a whole lot of what she said before removing my music but what I did hear is how sick and tired she was of people who didn't pick up their dog's poop! I realized that as my dog had been taking her sweet time to find the perfect spot in an area where no one would ever walk, this woman was policing me, waiting to see if I would do her idea of the "right thing".

I calmly and politely said that she is particular about where she goes and prefers the woods. I purposely took her to the woods and thick brush where no one would ever walk. Not to mention, the last thing our earth needs is one more plastic bag that will be around forever. Just like the deer, coyote and raccoon poop, I figured Sila's poop will be gone in a matter of a few weeks, too. Now had I let the dog go on a traveled wooded path, on the grassy area where kids often play and certainly on the paved walkway along the canal, her yelling at me would have been absolutely warranted, but in the woods, behind the fence and under the thorns?

Nothing I said was good enough for this woman so I put my ear buds back in to enjoy the rest of our walk.

This interaction got me thinking.....what makes some people step onto the beautiful Cape Cod Canal on an extremely rare 70 degree, sunny New England day in winter and take a deep breath of gratitude for such a gem of a moment and others choose something so very different? In the 5 plus minutes it took Sila to pick a spot, this woman chose not to focus on the incredible beauty before her or take the opportunity to spend precious weekend time with her family members to instead stand in expectation of a perfect stranger disappointing her. I have no idea how many others she decided to police that day but I felt compassion for her and her inability to put aside her deep frustration with others and simply enjoy the moment.

This experience also got me thinking about how long we decide to hold onto other people's judgment. If this had been you and your dog, how might you have responded? Would you have let this woman ruin your walk or your own ability to see the gift of such a beautiful winter day?

Where we put our focus is our choice. It can be on peace or it can be on frustration. It can be on beauty or, if you so choose, it can certainly be on dog poop. And where you put your focus will yield the kind of day, week- and even life you will experience.

You really are that powerful.

We Are the Reason

Sat, 13 Oct 2018 05:16:34 GMT

And Why That's Good News

In life coaching, there's a common theme that runs among many clients.
People are distressed in a relationship because they perceive that another person is treating them badly. Maybe they are tired of the way their spouse, mother/mother-in-law or sister treats them. Some will talk about being taken advantage of by their grown children and under appreciated.
Some will talk about being the only one at their job who does all the
work or stays late. These are just a few examples that many people commonly experience.

A Few Questions to Ask Ourselves When Faced With Similar Challenges

How are my communication skills and am I willing to communicate openly and honestly?
Do I speak up directly and respectfully when there is a problem or do I stay quiet, breeding resentment?
Am I taking responsibility for my part in a challenged relationship?
Do I respond to difficult situations after thinking it through or do I react with defensiveness?
Do I reward my grown children or spouse for treating me with disrespect by continuing to tend to many of their daily wants or needs or do I clearly communicate my expectations and boundaries?
Do I say no gracefully and without guilt when I don't want to do something or do I reluctantly give in and do it anyway?
Who's responsible for my happiness?

Our answers to many questions like the ones above will determine
the state of our relationships as well as the state of our lives.

The fact is, as the common phrase goes, we teach people how to
treat us. We are the reason our relationships will involve mutual respect or a
one way street to misery.

The fact that we are responsible is GOOD NEWS! It means we have the power to change what is no longer working in our lives.

An important lesson in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: "Nobody has the ability to make you feel inferior without your consent."

Until we choose what we will and will not tolerate for ourselves,
blaming someone else is simply a useless way of continuing to live exactly the same way

The most effective and long lasting
way to change a relationship is through intention, responsibility,
compassion, forgiveness and gratitude.

Contemplation For A Different Outcome

What is my intention in confronting change with this person? Is it to make the relationship or situation better for all involved? Assuming that it is, how can I approach this person while aligning with that intention? Compromising our worth does not serve us and playing small is a huge dis-service to others. If we've determined our intention is to get even, be judgmental or to force our views on someone else, the outcome we are likely to receive may involve more drama and chaos than not .

When we take responsibility for our part in the challenged relationship, what we are saying is, "I'm done focusing on obstacles, limitations and excuses and I'm ready to take on a different approach." It's not about blaming ourselves but instead acknowledging that we can always do better. It's understanding that it's up to us to hold higher expectations for and from ourselves and our relationships and now is the time.

When we hold the thought that the other person, like us, is not perfect and that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have in their own personal tool belt in each moment, we are bringing an energy of respect and compassion to the relationship and conversation. It's not about making excuses for the way someone behaves but learning to handle the situation from a more empowered perspective.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It's not saying what someone may have done is okay with us. It's saying, "I understand that you are human and that your actions are a reflection on you and your values. I will no longer choose to carry around your choices and views in the form of anger, hatred, shame or guilt." We have two choices: Hold a grudge and stay still or empower ourselves to drop that heavy weight, forgive and move forward.

We always have the choice to complain about all that's wrong with our life or to look for what's right and to seek out the natural strengths of others. A focus on Gratitude is a powerful way to see ourselves, those around us and our life from a whole new perspective.

We really are that powerful.

The Power of Self-Awareness

Sun, 08 Jul 2018 03:52:13 GMT

The importance of paying attention to the inner stories.

We are often attached to beliefs that have been held for a very long time. They influence our most frequent thoughts which then lead to a set of typical internal and external reactions. It is these reactions that lend quite significantly to our everyday experiences.

We often seek to change external circumstances or hold a desire for the people around us to change. Although, at our core, we instinctively know the truth. We must examine the underlying beliefs we hold and determine which ones serve and which ones do not.

One of my repeated, unconscious beliefs is that I need to protect my children in all ways and at all costs (in other words, over and above what is healthy and/or necessary). This leads to me overcompensating, getting into conversations that are out of alignment with who I really am, stifling my kids' abilities to take responsibility for their own growth and development and all sorts of other unattractive reactions and results. Over the years, I am increasingly becoming aware of those moments when this belief is leading me and all the ways it does not serve me or my children and I try to consciously shift to higher ground. It continues to be a work in progress.

Imagine that an underlying belief is that you are not as smart as other people. If this is your repeated internal story, you'd likely compare yourself to others or try and overcompensate or maybe you'd avoid situations that might reveal your perceived inept abilities. You then may appear as passive-aggressive, defensive, uninterested, aloof or abrupt. You can imagine the experiences these reactions might create for you in your life and work relationships.

Now imagine shifting consciously and repetitively to a new perspective, like this one: We each have strengths we bring to the table. How might this new and frequent thought begin to influence your behaviors, reactions and experiences?

What are the stories you tell yourself are true? Any of these sound familiar?

There's never enough.
I am not enough.
I have to do everything myself.
The only way to get ahead is to work myself to the bone.
If only my spouse, relative, co-worker, boss, etc would change, then I could be happy.
I should _________.
I can't __________.
I'm not _________ .
I don't deserve to speak up.
I have to be aggressive in order to be heard and respected.
People are crazy, mean, unkind, stupid, etc...

Through self awareness and reflection, we can learn to recognize these limiting beliefs and how they impact our lives, work and relationships. What experiences are you ready to improve? Then dig up those beliefs and try on a few new perspectives.

You really are that powerful.

How To Buy a Cream Puff

Thu, 28 Jun 2018 03:03:57 GMT

Not long ago, our family needed to purchase a car that our youngest daughter could drive. Like most couples, my husband and I had different approaches. He likes to research every possible detail, search the internet and shop around to make sure he gets the perfect deal. He is even willing to test drive as many cars as possible and spend hours with used car dealers if that's what it takes to find the best fit. Most would think that this is a sensible plan and they would not be wrong. After all, we expect that car shopping is tedious and that we'd better be on our guard so that we don't get taken for a ride. Literally.

As with many areas of our lives and relationships, our expectations lead how we approach any given challenge. But what if we raise our expectations? What if we look beyond logic and reality and expect that what we want actually does exist, even if we haven't found it quite yet. Time and time again, I have found this to be true. The most recent example is when my daughter and I set an intention that the perfect car was just waiting for us. We expected a solid, heavy car, preferably an older model so as to be more affordable. We thought 2010 or newer made sense. We held the desire that it would be owned by a sweet retired person/couple we would wholeheartedly trust who put very little miles on the car. We expected that they always garaged it and took impeccable care of it and had a service record as proof. And of course, it had to be at the right price.

My husband continued searching frantically every available car in Massachusetts, test driving some more than once and printing out stacks of additional possibilities we could wallpaper a whole room with. Regardless, they all just felt, well......" wrong ". On the other hand, I went about my day, patiently waiting and fully expecting that the right car would make it's way into our radar and as soon as I saw it, I would know it instantly. No need to stress or exhaust myself searching. On this one particular day, I was compelled to do an internet search and I noticed a car that I just knew was the one. Coincidentally, my daughter also saw the same car during her own internet search that day. I immediately messaged the owner to request to meet the following day. We arrive at the house to find the sweetest retired grandfather standing in front of a garage, and an exceptionally cared-for 2011 crossover SUV with a measly 38,000 miles exactly in the ballpark of our price point. He had a stack of service records that recorded every impeccably timed oil change and tire rotation. As both he and his lovely wife showed authentic concern and interest in our daughter and her new driver status, we knew these were exactly the people we wanted to do business with. As my husband said, we weren't just buying a car, we were buying a story. Our mechanic described it as a "cream puff. It couldn't be better." Just as we expected.

More than we realize, we tend to get what we expect, both in positive and negative ways. Often we are not even conscious of these expectations. Part of the work of a coach is to listen carefully to what a client is saying and to hear the belief systems beneath the words. As human beings, we are experts at creating stories, also known as our own version of the truth. We make assumptions about what "probably" is or will happen based on habitual thinking patterns and we believe we have proof in the form of past experiences that back up our assumptions. Often times these stories serve as obstacles, as our reliance on logic and reality cloud our ability to live with wonder and an open mind.

Take a look at your expectations. Really listen and observe your thoughts and actions. What might happen if you shifted some of your expectations?
You really are that powerful.

Saturate Yourself

Thu, 21 Jun 2018 00:40:31 GMT

Back in the Fall, I was speaking to a professional women's group and had brought a sampling of some of my favorite books to share. Before we began, an attendee approached me with something I've heard often over the years. She said she had a shelf full of books she hadn't read.

I laughed because I could relate! I made the decision years ago that instead of berating my laziness, I could gain quite a bit from my large collection of books without needing to read every single one from cover to cover. Sometimes, I get what I need from a book in the first few chapters. I'll set it on the shelf, knowing I can pick it up at a future time, when I think it needs re-visiting yet grateful for what was received thus far. Of course, there are those books we can't put down until we've read every last word, there are others where the topic fascinates us, but the book itself may be a heavier read.

I have books in almost every room of my house. One of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling overwhelmed, anxious or confused is to grab a book that I'm intuitively drawn to and just open it up to a random page. It amazes me how even just reading a few paragraphs can lead to a perspective tune-up and can change the whole direction of my day.

A favorite strategy for motivation, understanding or inspiration is what I like to call "Saturation." We all have times where we are procrastinating or feeling stressed, unfulfilled or uninspired. Consider being prepared with an armory of influence in the form of books, teachers, audios or YouTube videos.

When your own wisdom seems just out of reach, listen to an audio book, pull a book off the shelf, or google a favorite inspirational teacher. Decide to saturate yourself with positivity as much as possible during these challenging times. A documentary instead of a sitcom, a podcast on your ride to work, a meditation instead of Facebook....small choices can provide significant momentum for creativity and the ability to see your life from a wider lens.

You really are that powerful.....

Liquid Gold

Fri, 23 Mar 2018 17:42:14 GMT

Please enjoy this article- it was one of our most popular posts and one to revisit year after year. Happy Spring!

When I was in high school, I remember my boyfriend's mother (who is now my amazing mother-in-law!) would take an entire week off from her nursing job at the hospital each spring and the whole family would literally scrub every surface of the house.....She would even "Liquid Gold" the walls! I remember thinking she was crazy back then but now that I have a house of my own, I can appreciate this ritual and the discipline it took to set aside time each year to honor the family home. It feels fantastic when it's clean and clutter free. Because indeed, a clear space really does contribute to a clear mind.
But you don't need to spend your week's vacation attached to a steam cleaner to see significant changes. Also, consider that it's more than just your physical space that could use a good spring cleaning.

Four Tips to Lighten-Up This Spring:

1. Physical Space Cleanse: We underestimate the influence our space has on our moods, our effectiveness and our overall happiness. Commit to three large bags over the next 10 days. Label them "trash", "donate" and "recycle" and if you're really motivated, maybe even a 4th labeled "sell". Engage the whole family to fill up each bag and dispose of them in the appropriate place. If you are struggling with piles everywhere, google organization systems and choose one based in simplicity that will be easy to implement. If you feel totally overwhelmed, hire a personal organizer. Visit The National Organization of Professional Organizers to find someone in your area.

2. Body Cleanse : Consider how you might cleanse the toxins from your body. Try cleansing exercises like jumping on a rebounder or yoga. Get a lymphatic drainage massage (game changer!) or a detox foot bath. Drink lots of water. Listen to your intuition. Are there certain foods you're eating that you know make you feel awful? What might you commit to removing from your diet? Every body is different. Start with just decreasing the sugar (or sugar substitutes that just trick your brain). Or try removing it all together for a few days. If that's too much for you to start, instead add a green smoothie to your morning routine. Here's a favorite recipe of mine:

Spinach and/or Kale greens
Granny Smith Apple
Celery
Cucumber
Juice of a lemon
Fresh Ginger
Water
**If you think that's a little too "green" for you, add some pineapple to sweeten it up.
Toss all ingredients into your machine of choice. Because celery can be difficult to mix, blend twice for a smoother juice.

3. Mind Cleanse : BREATHE. Download a meditation or mindfulness app and using headphones, commit to at least 5-10 minutes of quiet each day. Spend time in nature. Nothing clears the mind like a beautiful landscape and some fresh air. Be mindful of what you are feeding your mind through books, TV, politics, etc. Set boundaries for where you allow your focus to wander. Surround yourself with things that feel expansive, creative and inspiring. If you're feeling weighed down by anxious thoughts, saturate yourself with uplifting music and information. Even reading one positive paragraph from an influential book/author can change the tone of your entire day.

4. Relationship Cleanse : Experiencing drama in some of your relationships? Knowing that it's impossible to change someone else, take a moment to think about what reactions you might release? Are there repeated interactions that feel like chronic weight? What would happen if you created some new relationship rules for yourself from a "peace begins with me" perspective? Here are just a few options that can help you to feel lighter but come up with a few that work for you!

I see clearly that what is directed towards me is almost never actually about me. I will not choose to take things so personally. I will not offend easily.

I will focus more on appreciation rather than expectation.
I will let things go- I release the heavy burden of a grudge.
I give because I want to and not because I expect something in return. I am clear about my motives.
I accept those I love as they are. I am responsible for my own happiness regardless of who others are choosing to be.
I hold strong, healthy boundaries. I speak clearly and say NO when necessary and YES when necessary.

NOTE : These approaches are for those relationships that are, for the most part, in alignment with you and what you want for yourself but may just need some attention. Occasionally, we might find that a relationship has served its purpose yet we hold onto it longer than it's comfortable. If you feel a relationship is causing extra weight for you, it's likely the same for the other person. Consider talking to a trusted friend or professional to work through next steps.

Just like Liquid Gold enhances the natural beauty of wood.....Taking even small steps to cleanse your space, body, mind and relationships will enhance the natural beauty of your life.

You really are that powerful.

You Are the Key

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 18:50:07 GMT

Spring is right around the corner; a time of re-birth and renewal. An important ritual of self-evaluation and determining which of our behaviors and thought patterns serve us best and which ones do not, can be helpful. Like a spring cleaning for the soul! If you polled many of my coaching clients, they would tell you I'm always poking them on the importance of taking 100% responsibility for our thoughts, actions and reactions in order to reach our personal and professional best -But it's not always easy!

To quote the late philosopher, Jim Rohn, "The key to your better future is you." When we allow ourselves to think that other people, circumstances or situations are always to blame for our misfortune, unhappiness or lack of success, it renders us powerless.

And you are NEVER powerless.

We may not always be able to control what happens to us, but we have all the power we need to control how we choose to think about what happens to us. When we take a moment to acknowledge our own responsibility in how we choose to react, resent, ruminate or regret, we are able to realize the plethora of alternative ways of thinking that serve us far better.

There is nothing more powerful than taking responsibility for how we choose to think, as it always leads to how we choose to show up in the world. How we show up impacts everything.

During this time of recharge and renewal, when faced with disappointment over a situation or relationship, try asking yourself the following questions:

How can this situation make me a better person?

What can I learn from this situation/person?

I'll admit, sometimes it takes me awhile to get from a place of judgement or bitterness to a place of true strength, but when I finally arrive, I know everyone involved is better off because it allows an immediate shift of energy on the entire situation from negative to positive.

When relationships or circumstances get challenging, as they do for us all, remind yourself of the many inspirational people you've known or read about who have battled illnesses, or lost limbs or suffered unthinkable losses, only to choose to turn around, inspire others and change the world with their attitudes of forgiveness, gratitude and GRACE.

Now that's power!

5 Tips to Manage Anxious Thoughts

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 06:55:33 GMT

Many of my clients experience anxious thoughts that disrupt their everyday lives. I lost my mom a few years back and I quickly became aware of the increase in my own anxious thoughts over those following months. There are many life events and situations that can bring about feelings of imbalance and uncertainty. Here are 5 ideas to help you navigate through those challenging times.

1. Create a Boundary Word, Phrase or Image : When you catch yourself feeding your anxious thoughts, imagine a mental image such as a stop sign or a mental sound like a heavy garage door slamming down on cement. Pair the image or sound with a word or phrase that resonates with you. When you become aware that you are perseverating or ruminating or engaging anxiety, imagine feeling that word (such as an affirmative NO!) along with the image and/or sound. Allow it to serve as a solid boundary, a declaration to yourself that this moment need not be spent in fear.

2. Focus on the Present Moment: When you are worrying or anxious, you are either upset about the past or you are fearing something in the future. When you become aware of anxious thoughts, bring yourself into the present. Remind yourself of what you are doing in that exact present moment and only allow your focus to be on that. Repeat the words, "Right now, I am doing ________ and in this moment, I am ok."

3. Detox : This need not be severe or even structured. Commit to looking at how you can release both physical and mental toxins from your mind and your body. Make some healthy shifts in eating and drinking, drink more water, try detoxifying exercises like yoga, stretching or jumping on a trampoline. Detoxify your mind by shifting what you feed it. Take a break from politics, news and toxic negativity and replace it with music, books on CD (home or car) and positive conversation. Detoxify your spirit through meditation, connection and letting go and allow yourself to feel peaceful, even if it's just for a brief amount of time.

4. Honor where you are: Often when we become anxious, we speak to ourselves harshly. This feeds the darkness and only serves to increase the negativity. We sit far too long with thoughts like, "What is wrong with me?" or "Why can't I get past this?" You are human. Life can be challenging and we all experience peaks and valleys. Honor the ebb and the flow of life and remind yourself, this too shall pass.

5. Do not give anxiety all your power: It's just anxiety. You are stronger than anxiety. Even if you're experiencing panic attacks. You've been here before and you've survived it. Breathe, and remember that you are in control.

You really are that powerful.