March 2019
- By Laurie McAnaugh
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- 04 Mar, 2019
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Fearing Confrontation
Dear Laurie,
I work at a job where employees take turns taking holidays and weekends off. There's a structure to keep it fair for everyone and we all know the protocol but somehow, I seem to be the one my manager will move around in order to accommodate the vacation and time-off desires of my co-workers. This has been going on for years, but every time I set out to speak up to my manager, I lose courage and just succumb to whatever schedule is created. I like my job and I do work well with most of my co-workers but I'm beginning to get very bitter and resentful towards them for not being more considerate. I've had enough.
Signed,
Had Enough
Dear Had Enough,
So often, a client will come in for coaching because they are struggling with a personal or professional situation. Sometimes these are situations that have been going on for months or even years. They will outline the situation for me - a situation where an important conversation surely has taken place by now. Yet when I ask about the response from the other person in regards to that assumed conversation, often my client will look at me and say, "Oh, I haven't discussed this with anyone yet."
And here's why. Many of us are terrified of confrontation. Or more appropriately said, we are terrified of perceived confrontations. We don't want to rock the boat or stir the pot. So we settle for less than, continuing to do the same thing over and over, hoping the other people will eventually figure out how we're feeling and then change on their own.
Here's the thing we forget- we teach people how to treat us. When we settle for less than, we are essentially saying, "I'm ok with this situation." And so nothing changes. We've convinced ourselves the danger of speaking up is worse than the current state of our lives so we continue on....until we can no longer tolerate it any longer.
In the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, the authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler found in their research that "when it matters most, we do our worst." And considering our human circuitry, this makes sense. After all, our brains are not wired for our happiness. They are wired for our protection. So when emotions run high, our amygdala wants us to run for the hills, freeze or even fight. And neither of these three options are optimal for a strong outcome to a crucial conversation.
First, get your story in check. If you perceive that a conversation will be confrontational, you're setting yourself up to fight or give in. Second, decide what you hope the outcome will be. The authors suggest asking yourself, "What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?" Third, remember that you are in charge of your brain, not the other way around. Prepare yourself with tools that remind you to lead with mutual benefit in mind and solid responses without strong emotions. Get your energy in check before the conversation- confidence without arrogance and compassion without caving.
Even if you don't get exactly the result you want, lead yourself with intention, self-respect and respect for all involved.
The courage to speak will always feel better than the silence of resentment.
We've all heard it over and over again these past few weeks. Maybe you've even said it yourself.
"Good riddance to 2020! Don't let the door hit you on the way out! Bring on 2021!"
I get it. It was a year that brought on many challenges.
Fear. Isolation. Illness. Discord. Unprecedented uncertainty.
Here's the interesting thing though. When I challenge this "Good Riddance" mantra, every single person is able to list so many beautiful moments from the last 12 months.
I would guess that's true for you, too.
So take a moment to breathe. Deeply. Right now.
What will you take with you from 2020?
What gifts? What insights? What habits? What non-negotiables? What unexpected treasures?
What changes do you want to keep?
Instead of rushing to slam the door on this past year, decide instead to gently close it with gratitude and positive anticipation of what's to come.
It has been a year that has created openings for entire paradigm shifts within each and every one of us.
And within our world.
Some of those shifts in 2021 will be amazing. Some may continue to feel like obstacles for awhile.
But we're all on this crazy ride doing the best we can with what we've got in this moment.
Let us continue to develop our own unique personal tool belts so that when life acts all "2020" on us, we've got the reserves to be able to hold our mental health strong while still seeing the multitude of blessings everywhere.
Let us seek to better honor our own humanity and the humanity in others by letting go of the self-defeating, stress-inducing burden of judgment. And at the same time, let us hold ourselves accountable for rising up to higher ground.
Because 2020 has strengthened us and we really are that powerful.
My husband, Todd and I recently spent a week in the Berkshires of Western Massachusetts. We make it a priority to spend time there at least a few times a year. It's a quiet, peaceful part of the world filled with mountains and snow-capped beauty.
We fill our days with simplicity. Long, scenic drives through the peaks and valleys, and hikes that lead us to places we’ll never forget.
The hikes are always an adventure. There’s just something about being alone in the woods, miles from civilization, without cell service.
As we navigate unfamiliar trails, the ground beneath our feet is sometimes wet and slippery. It takes all of our concentration and agility to safely stay the course (okay, just me- my husband is annoyingly fearless and freakishly agile). Occasionally, I can forget to stop, look up, and absorb the magnificent landscape.
Deep in the woods, the world becomes so still that every noise seems to intensify. The sounds of the scurrying wild, the forceful winter breezes that push the trees to their limits. The wind causes the bare birch trunks to creak, making haunting sounds that keep us on high alert. The sounds so intense at times, you wonder when a tree might fall, and where. But we brave the path ahead, not knowing exactly what the final destination will look like and what obstacles lie ahead. We just keep going.
To be in the middle of the cold, barren, breathless beauty completely disconnected to civilization, makes these excursions feel both risky and sacred at the same time. For this naturally cautious girl (did I mention my fear of wild animals?), these isolated walks in the wild bring on a mix of conflicting feelings and emotions:
Gratitude, concern, reverence, worry, wonder, apprehension, appreciation, uncertainty, and faith.
And when we finally arrive at an enchanting waterfall, I know it was worth the effort it took to get there.
Reminds me of 2020. So much to have felt anxious about. So much to appreciate. So much isolation. Yet so many reasons to trust that good is around the corner.
So we just keep going. We brave the unknown. No matter how slippery, and treacherous the journey has been, if we remember to pause and look around, we’ll find much beauty and opportunity to embrace.
Wishing you the sacredness of simplicity this holiday season and a 2021 filled with love, connection and exciting new adventures.
There are these brief moments in life that we're tapped on the shoulder and shown what is most important. Among the chaos and noise, there can be quiet, too. If we're willing to pause and look, we can see the evidence of Grace sitting right there in front of us. Let this be one of those moments.
As we approach election day and its aftermath, here are a few powerful points that can shift you into choosing more peace and less chaos, and therefore contributing to a society that we all are capable of creating.
It was the morning after the grand jury decided to not charge Darren Wilson for the murder of Michael Brown....
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. What does that phrase mean to you?
The power of the human spirit is being boldly and remarkably displayed by countless people across our country and globe each day. In honor of all of them, let us each ask ourselves, "What is this pandemic here to teach me?"
This is new territory for a human race wired to connect. How are we supposed to feel and how should we spend our days while staying inside our homes? Does anyone really have the answers?
Yes. You do.
How can we work towards aligning ourselves with who we want to be regardless of where we are or who we're with?
